Thursday, May 20, 2010

Team Edward VS Team Jacob

This month's battle is....

Team Edward vs. Team Jacob
Studs or Duds??

I was at the bookstore today and it felt like no matter where I looked there they were - Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner aka Edward Cullen and Jacob Black. It seems as though they are everywhere .. posters, magazines, books, movies, key chains and T Shirts. I'm sure somewhere in the world their faces appear on custom made novelty toilet paper. Everywhere people are asking "So whose team are you on? Edward or Jacob? Oooh that Robert Pattinson is so dreamy..." It's really starting to weird me out so much that I'm afraid one morning I'm going to wake up in a cold sweat, having been chased by Robert Pattinson dragging a mangled werewolf behind him, screaming "Pick me. Pick me. Be on Team Edward!!" **shudder** Anyway.. as I pondered this life altering question, I realized "You know what? I don't know." Oh I have my suspicions which way I would vote but to give it honest thought, I wondered what would happen if Edward and Jacob had to duke it out here on Character Death Match... so let the games begin ....

(click the title to read more)
General Descriptions

Edward Cullens - Vampire
Described as being impossibly beautiful with hair that is forever messy and skin that is cold, pale and sparkles whenever the sun hits it. He is tall with a muscular body and has eyes that change color according to how hungry and well fed he is.
Because he's a vampire, Edward is extremely strong and can run at great speed. His scent draws all creatures, animal and humans alike, to him as a way for him to feed. Edward, however, chooses to only drink animal blood. He doesn't sleep, doesn't breath and needs to always be mindful that he appears to move and react like a human. He is quiet and reserved and until he met Bella, spent all his time with his family. He holds the special ability to "read" other peoples minds and is frustrated because he can't read Bella.

Jacob Black - Werewolf

Described at first to be a lanky teenager with long dark hair, Jacob later starts fill out more, cut his hair and grow into his muscular werewolf physique. He is said to be "sort of beautiful" and as a werewolf, Jacob has reddish brown fur
As a werewolf, Jacob has the ability to phase into his wolf form at will and is physically stronger and faster than a human. He has a higher body temperature and can heal quickly when hurt. When a wolf, he is able to communicate telepathically with his pack and has the possibility of "imprinting" with their soulmate. Jacob is cheerful and easy going person but can become hotheaded when provoked.

Results - This is a hard decision because Edward and Jacob both have appealing traits.

  • With the whole vampire/werewolf issue, honestly, it's a tie because to me they're both incredibly hot - the alpha werewolf and the broody vampire.

  • In their appearances, it boils down to their hair (I know I'm strange) but Edward's hair is WAY better than Jacobs. Long hair is ok but messy hair is a huge turn on. Oh and don't forget the sparkles.

  • When it comes to "superpowers", I think Edward beats Jacob hands down with the ability to read everyone's mind. Sure you might overhear some things best left unsaid, but can you imagine all the possibilities?

So - Edward: 2 points vs Jacob: 1 point

Edward / Bella
"You could do so much better, Bella. I know that you believe I have a soul, but I'm not entirely convinced on that point, and to risk yours.. For me to allow this - to let you become what I am so that I'll never lose you - is the most selfish act I can imagine. I want to more than anything, for myself. But for you, I want so much more. Giving in - it feels criminal. It's the most selfish thing I'll ever do, even if I live forever. If there were any way for me to become human for you - no matter what the price was, I would do it."
"Do you have any idea how important you are to me? Any concept at all of how much I love you?" "I know how much I love you" "You compare one small tree to an entire forest" "Impossible"
"The most absurd, ridiculous concept - as if there were any way I could exist without needing you"

"Well I'm so sorry that I can't be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I'm just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?"

"Normal humans run away from monsters, Bella. And I never claimed to be normal. Just human."
"It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like ... gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it's not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you wold do anything for her, be anything for her .. You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother"

"Until your heart stops beating, Bella. I'll be here - fighting. Don't forget that you have options"

"He's like a drug for you. Bella. I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun"


"But if you ever bring her back damaged again - and I don't care whose fault it is; I don't care if she merely trips, or if a meteor falls out of the sky and hits her in the head - if you return her to me in less than perfect condition than I left her in, you will be running with three legs. Do you understand that mongrel?" -Edward to Jacob

"Didn't you have a nice night, then?"he asked, smug. "It wasn't the worst night of my life." "Did it make the top ten?" Jacob asked with perverse enjoyment. "Possibly" Jacob smiled and closed his eyes. "But," Edward went on, "If I had been able to take you're place last night, it would not have made the top ten of the best nights of my life. Dream about that" - Edward and Jacob

Funny Moments
"Go fetch a space heater. I'm not a St. Bernard" - Jacob
"You really, honestly don't mind that I morph into a giant dog?" - Jacob
"Well, I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down." - Edward
"I don't have leeches on my speed dial" - Jacob

Results: Ok I'm a sucker for romantic moments but also have a soft spot for an incredible sense of humor. Although Edward has years on Jacob, I have to give this section to Jacob because face it, the boy has swagger. He's has the funnier one liners and everytime I hear "Until your heart stops beating" I just want to melt into a puddle.

So: Edward - 0 points vs Jacob - 1 point

It's all in the kiss
"Bella?" Edward's soft voice came from behind me. I turned to see him spring lightly up the porch steps, his hair windblown from running. He pulled me into his arms at once,just like he had in the parking lot, and kissed me again. This kiss frightened me. There was too much tension, too strong an edge to the way his lips crushed mine - like he was afraid we only had so much time left to us."

"Don't hold your breath, Jake - no wait, I changed my mind - go right ahead. Just hold your breath until I ask you to kiss me" - Bella
"Why did she hit you?" "Because I kissed her" "Good for you kid" - Charlie/Jacob

Results - No brainer. Was there ever any question? Edward.

So: Edward - 1 point vs Jacob = 0 points

Ok let's add them all up :
Edward - 3 points and Jacob - 2 points

Well it was close but it looks like Team Edward won !!! But before we hand out the award and create the National Team Edward day, let's be thorough shall we .. let's add one more category - movies. Actually this can be summed up nicely by just one picture.

Ok does Robert solidify Edwards win or has he helped push Jacob into the lead? What do you think?
Jacob Black WINS by a LANDSLIDE !!!!
How I hear you ask? Edward was clearly the better choice in the books. I wholeheartedly agree. Edward IS the better choice in the books. Oooohhh so Jacob wins because in the movies the actor is hotter? Hmm maybe but this is the ONLY reason why Jacob would ever beat Edward ..... Robert Pattinson !!! He is is WORST actor I have EVER had the misfortune to watch on the big screen. Doubt me? Go watch "Remember Me", away from all the Twilight hype and simply watch him unvamped. If you are not dead in your seat asleep or moaning in pain - then ... there's no hope for you and I invite you to kidnap Robert and take him to a FAR FAR FAR FAR away island and please KEEP him there. I loved Edward in the books. Hands down I was Team Edward 100%. When the movies came out I was so excited. But when Twilight was over, I just wanted to cry. Is that honestly how Edward is supposed to look like? Someone who spends the entire movie looking like he's constipated? And for a kiss freak like me - really since when does Edward kiss like a fish? The image of Edward is forever ruined in my head because whenever I read the books now, it will be Robert's face I see. So as much as this will piss people off, in a VERY LOUD voice Team Jacob wins !!! You can all sue Robert because obviously he's not spending it on acting lessons.
Now excuse me while I pack. Due to the millions of screaming and obsessed .. I mean dedicated Robert Pattinson fans grabbing their pitchforks, I think it's best I enter into the "I have the AUDACITY to think Robert sucks" Protection Program. All death threats and such will be forwarded on to an anonymous PO Box - wait send them to Robert. Maybe he'll take a hint and learn how to act. But then again .. I wouldn't hold your breath. Sigh .. yeah I know. You all hate me :)